Just like any other line of work, we have our good days and our bad days (you could say we have our “ups and downs” [ouch!]. But, due to the unique and unusual nature of this particular profession, the kinds of problems that crop up are of a very interesting nature indeed...

We call them ‘Line Delays’. They’re the bane of every transit operation. Some delays are obviously unavoidable—heavy traffic, roadwork repairs, the occasional three-alarm fire, that sort of thing.

I recall the time I was blocked by the Fire Dept. attending to a major blaze. A rather oblivious tourist approached my car and asked, in an irritated voice, “How long is this going to take? We’re in a hurry!” I suggested she ask the Fire Dept. when they planned to finish up. She actually crossed the police lines and started screaming that they hurry up and clear the street!

The last I saw of her, she was in the back seat of a police car. Awfully nice of the police to take her to her destination, don’t you think?

Of course, this being San Francisco, you have to expect the unexpected—civil disobedience is very much in vogue here, having been perfected to a virtual art form. TV and movie crews regularly take advantage of the natural beauty of the hills as backdrops for high-speed car chases, and what better way to demonstrate how powerful your new V8 turbo-charged all-weather-traction full-bed pickup truck than to show it effortlessly chugging up California Street? (The same truck that will cost you a fortune in transmission repairs if you tried that stunt on a daily basis... and if it’s a manual transmission, count on replacing the clutch every few months...)

Then, there are the situations that are truly unique to cable car operation. Considering that the system and technology was designed well over a century ago, the juxtaposition of 19th century transit vehicles with 21st century traffic patterns and driving habits can lead to some very interesting scenes.

Let’s take a look at an imaginary Street Inspector’s Daily Report. In this report, he/she would keep a tally of the day’s events—breakdowns, accidents, delays, etc. Just how crazy can it get out there? It can get pretty strange... pretty strange indeed...

DAILY REPORT
Cable Car Division
Inspector John Q. Doe

1000 Hrs.
On duty.

1012 Hrs.
Central Control broadcasts notice about possible demonstration in Union Square area later in day. Police warn that demonstrators (US Out of Zambonia) may become unruly. Possible interruption of service may occur.

1015 Hrs.
Central Control broadcasts notice about bike race taking place in North Beach/Chinatown area due to begin at 10:00am, postponed to 12:00 Noon. Inspectors are advised to prepare for interruptions to service.

1022 Hrs.
Movie crew filming on California St. between Montgomery & Mason Sts. will require Calif. St. service to be temporarily suspended from 11:00 until approx. 3:00pm.

1030 Hrs.
Central notified of Calif. St. service interruption—diesel bus shuttles requested.

1033 Hrs.
Central advises that diesel buses are being dispatched to California & Market Sts.

1047 Hrs.
Run 23 on Line 60 (Hyde St.) advise that there is a line delay @ Hyde & Broadway due to overturned ice cream truck. Police/Fire Dept. have been notified. Shuttle buses from Calif./Market reassigned to Hyde St. until accident scene is cleared.

1102 Hrs.
Movie crew on Calif. St. requests permission to use Car 55 (currently holding position at Calif. & Sansome) for shooting. Div. Supt. clears use of car.

1110 Hrs.
Operator of shuttle bus responding to Hyde. St. delay reports transmission failure on California btwn Grant & Stockton—engine overheating, brakes locked—coach will not move. Diesel Shop notified—en route.

1117 Hrs.
SFPD advises that demonstrators are beginning to fill Union Square area. PD advises that Powell St. service be suspended approx. 12:30pm.

1131 Hrs.
Run 14 on Line 59 (Mason) reports that bystanders for bike race are blocking intersection Mason @ Union. SFPD notified.

1142 Hrs.
Accident scene Hyde @ Broadway cleared. Hyde St. service resumed.

1149 Hrs.
Central Control advises that Powell St. service be suspended due to demonstration at Union Square. All Powell St. cars to be turned back @ Powell & Washington.

1155 Hrs.
Run 22 on Line 60 reports being stuck @ Hyde & Broadway due to accumulation of dried ice cream in trackway. Cable Machinery notified—Cable Car wrecker 665 dispatched to Hyde @ Broadway.

1207 Hrs.
Movie crew complains that diesel bus on Calif. btwn Grant & Stockton is preventing them from filming. Central Control advises that Diesel Repair is en route.

1215 Hrs.
SFPD advises that Powell St. btwn Sutter & O'Farrell will be closed to all traffic until demonstrators are cleared. Runs 2, 6, 9, 12 and 14 are caught @ Powell & Market. Central advises those cars to remain at that location until further notice.

1222 Hrs.
Mason @ Union cleared of pedestrians and bystanders. Mason St. service resumed.

1233 Hrs.
Wrecker Truck 665 advises that Car 14, Run 22 (Hyde & Broadway) is in need of new brake shoes due to old shoes being completely coated with melted ice cream. Car 14 will have to be towed into barn. Central notified.

1245 Hrs.
Run 13, Line 60 (Car 18) reports having to use emergency brake @ Hyde & Broadway due to extremely slick tracks. Wrecker 665 notified—665 advises that they are in process of towing Car 14 to barn—will respond to Hyde & Broadway ASAP.

1247 Hrs.
Disabled shuttle bus on Calif. btwn Grant & Stockton still awaiting Diesel Repair shop. Diesel Repair advises they are en route.

1253 Hrs.
Run 7, Line 59 (Mason & Green) reports that several bike racers using Mason btwn Green & Filbert have gotten bike tires stuck in cable slot—SFPD and paramedics notified.

1257 Hrs.
Run 8, Line 60 (Car #3) @ Hyde & Union reports multiple "hot lunches" (Muni slang term for when a passenger throws up on a vehicle—I’m not making this part up) due to a Cub Scout troop that became overly excited. Conductor reports that Scouts evidently had hot dogs and ice cream prior to boarding cable car. Car to be pulled out of service.

104 Hrs.
Multiple cable car crews report that all cables appear to be running in reverse direction. Central notified.

107 Hrs.
Cable Machinery reports that due to apparent rodent infestation, wiring for the cable winding machinery was badly damaged, causing a short circuit to occur. Polarity for the winding wheels was reversed, causing all cables to operate in reverse direction of normal operation. Cable Machinery advises that all cables have been temporarily stopped until wiring can be fixed. Central notified.

110 Hrs.
Numerous rear–end collisions reported on Mason, Powell, Jackson and Washington Sts. Due to cable cars suddenly running backwards. SFPD notified.

117 Hrs.
Injury accident @ Calif. & Montgomery, Car 55. Movie crew filming “Filthy Larry—The Magnum Enforcer” involved in incident. Car was proceeding on Calif. St. when actor Clant Westwood fired prop firearm without notifying cable car crew. Due to loud, unexpected noise, gripman suddenly applied emergency brake. Conductor and Mr. Westwood thrown onto floor—Mr. Westwood suffered cuts and bruises—conductor taken to St. Gregory’s emergency room after suffering apparent cardiac arrest due to belief that Mr. Westwood was armed with a live firearm and intended to use said firearm on conductor. Central notified.

119 Hrs.
Disabled shuttle bus on Calif. btwn Grant & Stockton still awaiting Diesel Repair Shop. Diesel Repair advises they are en route.

122 Hrs.
Demonstration in Union Square area winding down. Demonstrators starting to peacefully disperse. SFPD advises streets should be reopened within 30 minutes.

122 Hrs.
SFPD advises that Union Square area will be completely quarantined due to rioting demonstrators. All Muni vehicles in the vicinity are advised to leave by fastest route possible. SFPD SWAT and National Guard troops en route to Union Square area. Central advises that all Muni personnel in the vicinity of Union Square are to evacuate as soon as possible. Central notified.

133 Hrs.
Cable Car Wrecker Truck 665 reports transmission failure on Hyde St. between Bay & Chestnut while towing disabled cable car. Fred’s Heavy Duty Towing Service notified.

142 Hrs.
Demonstrators in Union Square area being driven down Powell St. towards Market by United States Marine Corps troops. Cable car crews @ Powell & Market advised to take shelter in nearby stores.

149 Hrs.
Conductor on Run 12 @ Powell & Market, taking shelter in The Wrap clothing store reports 30% off sale on fleece sweaters, various colors and sizes. Central notified.

155 Hrs.
Disabled shuttle bus on Calif. btwn Grant & Stockton still awaiting Diesel Repair Shop. Diesel Repair advises they are en route.

213 Hrs.
Bike race in North Beach area cleared. Mason St. service resumed.

226 Hrs.
Conductor on Run 13, Line 59 (Mason & Filbert) requests transportation to hospital. Complains of blurred vision and nausea due to glare of sunlight coming from excessive exposure to spandex bicycle shorts. Central notified.

230 Hrs.
Cable Machinery reports that Hyde St. cable must be temporarily shut down in order to remove coating of melted ice cream from earlier auto accident. Cable is too slippery for cable cars to grip. Cable Machinery will advise when Hyde cable is ready for service.

233 Hrs.
Numerous passenger complaints about unauthorized vehicles operating on cable car routes picking up intending passengers. Motorized cable car reported offering rides to tourists for $10.00. Passengers complain that driver of unauthorized vehicle promised them rides to Alcatraz Island—also that driver insisted on playing “Who Let the Dogs Out” on vehicle PA system, repeatedly at maximum volume. SFPD notified. Central notified.

239 Hrs.
Disabled shuttle bus on Calif. btwn Grant & Stockton still awaiting Diesel Repair Shop. Diesel Repair advises they are en route.

241 Hrs.
Central cable car dispatcher requests transportation to hospital due to nervous breakdown. Central notified—no response from Central.

243 Hrs.
Demonstrators @ Powell & Market cleared by National Guard and United States Marines. Car 20 damaged by protestors when crowd began to spin car on turntable at excessive speed. Crowd lost control of car, car slid off of turntable, onto sidewalk, now blocking portion of Market Street. SFPD requests that car be moved out of traffic lanes ASAP. Wrecker 665 notified.

244 Hrs.
Wrecker 665 advises that they are still holding position on Hyde btwn Bay & Chestnut with transmission failure—Fred’s Heavy Duty Towing Service vehicle has not yet responded. Central notified—no response from Central.

303 Hrs.
Disabled shuttle bus on California St. btwn Grant & Stockton still waiting for Diesel Repair shop. Diesel Repair advises they are en route.

309 Hrs.
Run 12, Line 60 (Car 5) requests transportation to hospital for gripman. Woman passenger riding on outside bench loses wig due to wind. Wig blows into face of passing motorcycle rider. Motorcycle rider loses control of vehicle, hits newspaper racks. Newspaper racks thrown into tables at sidewalk cafe. Waiter at sidewalk cafe knocked over by falling tables. Pot of very hot coffee being carried by waiter thrown into cable car, splashes onto gripman. Passenger wishes to know whether cost of wig will be paid for by Muni, motorcycle rider, or management of sidewalk cafe. Central notified—no response from Central.

311 Hrs.
Street Inspector John Q. Doe taken to hospital for nervous exhaustion. Symptoms include high blood pressure, facial tics, incoherent speech, and convulsions. Central notified—no response from Central.

315 Hrs.
Disabled shuttle bus on Calif. btwn Grant & Stockton reports tires, seats, windows, radio and windshield wipers stolen while operator was in restroom. Diesel Repair advises they are en route. Central notified—no response from Central.

END OF REPORT.